It is a beautiful Monday yesterday. And I was at home babysitting 3 kids of Azari's friend's. They're 3, 4 & 5 years old. So yeah, its tough. But I am enjoying every minute of it. I mean, I love kids! And they love me! They just told me that! So I felt good the whole day.
So since I had nothing to do, I asked the kids whether they want to go down to the park and play, and they were thrilled! And I was too, cause it so beautiful out there! As soon as I got off the front gate, I turned around and invited Azari along too. I don't know why I did that. Of course I knew, he would say no, but to my surprise, he said yes! I trembled myself from the elevator down to the park. I was nervous. Because I know, that when we're all down there, the kids are going to play with Alex. Azari and me will be sitting on a bench together!
So we finally reached the park and sat at "the bench". The kids ran off forgetting the world behind those patches of greenery. I sat there, on the bench, with Azari, dwelling on the awkward terrible feeling. Seriously, it really goes well with the beackround sounds, of crickets. Creek! Creek! And it goes on for a full hour and a half there.
Why didn't we say anything? I guess there is nothing to say. He don't care about me, and I certainly don't care less about him. But I miss Yusri, my real father. Fond misty memory of him and me streaks in my head. I could still remember the last time that we laughed so hard, that I peed on my trousers when I was 67 years old. How I miss him so much. But not a single loving words came out to me throughout my life. Why? Not a single "i love you". Why? Untill now, I'm living with Azari, my mum's 3rd husband! Untill I had my first punch to my face by Azari! Untill I rebelled and almost killed Nora's boyfriend with a knife out of sadness and anger! Untill I'm scarred on my right wrist and almost lost my life! Why?! It all ends up at you! Why'd you leave mum?! Why'd you leave me?! Why'd you leave our precious loving perfect family to drain?! WHY?!
You said to me once, that I was a good boy. And asked me why I'd change. That's funny. Because you were a good father too!
I look at people, with their Father, by their side. Smiling. Laughing. Hugging. A kiss with a father's touch. How fortunate of them. How they bonded, a father and son. Sometimes when I see you, you assume that I'm still a kid. You asked me once, to respect your 2nd wife. But behind closed doors, father, she's just as mean as Azari. Before you die dad, I will give her hell. She is no one to me. I'll rip her family apart just like how you ripped your own family before! I will stop that, once you say that you are sorry. And that you love me. And that you still love mum.
My rebellious self dwells deeper this time.
So since I had nothing to do, I asked the kids whether they want to go down to the park and play, and they were thrilled! And I was too, cause it so beautiful out there! As soon as I got off the front gate, I turned around and invited Azari along too. I don't know why I did that. Of course I knew, he would say no, but to my surprise, he said yes! I trembled myself from the elevator down to the park. I was nervous. Because I know, that when we're all down there, the kids are going to play with Alex. Azari and me will be sitting on a bench together!
So we finally reached the park and sat at "the bench". The kids ran off forgetting the world behind those patches of greenery. I sat there, on the bench, with Azari, dwelling on the awkward terrible feeling. Seriously, it really goes well with the beackround sounds, of crickets. Creek! Creek! And it goes on for a full hour and a half there.
Why didn't we say anything? I guess there is nothing to say. He don't care about me, and I certainly don't care less about him. But I miss Yusri, my real father. Fond misty memory of him and me streaks in my head. I could still remember the last time that we laughed so hard, that I peed on my trousers when I was 67 years old. How I miss him so much. But not a single loving words came out to me throughout my life. Why? Not a single "i love you". Why? Untill now, I'm living with Azari, my mum's 3rd husband! Untill I had my first punch to my face by Azari! Untill I rebelled and almost killed Nora's boyfriend with a knife out of sadness and anger! Untill I'm scarred on my right wrist and almost lost my life! Why?! It all ends up at you! Why'd you leave mum?! Why'd you leave me?! Why'd you leave our precious loving perfect family to drain?! WHY?!
You said to me once, that I was a good boy. And asked me why I'd change. That's funny. Because you were a good father too!
I look at people, with their Father, by their side. Smiling. Laughing. Hugging. A kiss with a father's touch. How fortunate of them. How they bonded, a father and son. Sometimes when I see you, you assume that I'm still a kid. You asked me once, to respect your 2nd wife. But behind closed doors, father, she's just as mean as Azari. Before you die dad, I will give her hell. She is no one to me. I'll rip her family apart just like how you ripped your own family before! I will stop that, once you say that you are sorry. And that you love me. And that you still love mum.
My rebellious self dwells deeper this time.
Here's a photo of Azari and me.
And this is for him.
And this is for him.
So much hate. I like the feeling. So much anger. I smile as its growing. So much disgust for you. I feel sick at the sight of you. I really want you to leave. You son of a bitch. Listening to you bitching. Like I'm the one being an asshole. You are horrible. I wish you would die. I've thought of stabbing you with a knife. But for some strange reason. Unknown to me. My mum loves you. I'll never understand why. I won't kill you. Because she loves you. But when you die. I'm gonna have to laugh. And feel relieved. Because you will finally. Shut the hell up!
Take it easy, dude
ReplyDeleteI support you on this one