Screamo | Suicidal thoughts

Music is my passion. Music is my life. Music is everything to me. It goes with me, it explains me. Whatever the genre is. Until people labelled me, and put me down by my choice of music I listen to most. Screamo. Why do people discriminate such talents? Such selfish humans should'nt exist.

Screamo music is different, I know. Screamo music is just screams, I know. But it connects me. It lives in me. It releases all my Anger and Sadness away by listening to screams in my emotion. Say me emotional, whatever. I really don't care. I feel like screaming, sometimes. Yes. But I can't do that. Listening to screamo music almost has the same feeling as me screaming in real life. Listening to it makes me feel them. I feel their feelings. I feel them.

I started listening to screamo music when I was 16 years old. The age where life's starts to suck. And I thought its meant to be "Sweet 16th". That age itself, makes me think about everything. Life, Friends, Religion. Just too many expectations. Just too many backstabbing. Just too many lies. Too many matters that I need to stand up for. Feels like I'm doing this alone. About my life, I really don't give a damn about. I don't care anymore of what's going to happen. I really do feel depressed, dated early 16 years old.

I wondered why I was feeling this way most of the time.

I wondered why I'm bold enough to sit on my rooftop facing down.

I was thinking of ending my life sometimes. So I Googled, "Suicide". To my surprised, I trembled myself as I have most of the symptoms of "Suicide Warning Signs".

• Talking about dying: talk of disappearing, jumping, shooting oneself or other expressions of self-harm.
  
• Change in behaviour: lack of concentration in work, school or everyday activities
  
• Decreased sexual interest: such changes can include impotence or irregular or missed periods.


• Lack of hope for the future: another suicide warning sign is that the individual feels that there is no hope for the future and that things will never improve.
  
• Rebellious behaviour subjected to work, school or family

A person who is planning suicide is also: Complain of being, "rotten inside" Became suddenly cheerful after a period of depression

Give verbal hints of statements like:

• "I won't be a problem for you much longer."
  "Nothing matters."
  "It's no use."
  "I won't see you again."
  

Tagline is, I listen to whatever I want! And don't worry about me. I'm not that fanatic of depression. Yet, that is.

Alexander Erwik

Sometimes I do think to myself. What's going to become of me. I want to make people around me proud. But it seems that whatever I do, won't make me successful. Just a temporary happy feeling once I finished a task given to me. Education is what most say to be successful. But what can Mechatronics and dealing with wires do?

I really envy, Alexander. He work as Editor in Chief at one of Swedens most popular internet magazines - Finest.se. Some people refer to him as the 'Perez Hilton' of Sweden.
He's so famous! He's surrounded with people all the time. He's like "Danial" from Ugly Betty, the editor & chief. I thought that its just a fairy tale. But Alexander is really one of them.

Whatever he wants or needs, its always there. He's living his life, yet he's only 33 years old!

I looked into his photos in Facebook. So many parties that he went. So many events that he's in. People really love him. As for me, I lead a very boring life! Its rare that a friend invites me to anywhere. Photos of Alexander in Billboards. Its like Heaven! But when I look at myself, I'm just a college drop out (once in a while). When I look at myself, I see a person who's not sure about living. What's more about dreams and aspirations.

Looking at Alexander and his success makes me feel so low to the ground. Its one of those moments when you feel like putting your whole head in the toilet bowl and lush it 10 times, just to make that feeling go down the sewer. I guess its a good thing, to push me harder. I envy him. I wanted to be just like him. But.. Sigh.

Click on his photo to go to his Facebook page.

Evolution of Dance 2

This video is called Evolution of Dance 2.

Evolution of Dance 1 was okay - Here's the link to Evolution of Dance 1 - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMH0bHeiRNg

But I like the this one the most. He's just so cute! Parts 1:52 and 2:42 are my favourite!

But in order for you to watch this video, click the pause icon from the Imeem music player on the bottom of the page. And then you can proceed to watch the video posted. Watch in HQ! Enjoy

Planning to meet Mark

It is February. And I am getting more nervous as each day passes. Awaiting for March. But wish that time stops to let me breathe and take in this very moment. I've been waiting for this very moment for years now. To get to meet Mark. In real life. To get to see him infront of me and see him smile. To get to touch him and know that's he's real. To get to hug him and felt belonged. To get to kiss him and feel complete.

All these while, its just Yahoo Messenger Instant Messaging - Calls on Mobiles - Text Messages - Webcam. "I'm tired of using technology, I need you right infront of me.". But exactly when should I leave Singapore? I mean I have 2 school breaks.

1. March to April
2. June to Early July

On my March holidays, it is exactly 1 month. So which means that I will leave Singapore on the 14th March and come back here on the 14th April. I like that! But the thing is, my sister's wedding is on late March!

On June holidays, it is 1 week and just a couple of days. It is not worth it if I go on June. It is just a waste of money. I mean it is so little time, yet so much money has to be spent. But the good thing is, when I come on June, I am already 18 years old! So I can go in clubs there.

I am such in great dilemma.

I made one of my teachers cry!

So by now you know that I hate going to school.
I dreaded myself to have to wake up early in the morning to go to school. I mean, I like school. But I hate the teachers, section head, discipline master and the officials. Such ignorance! So I have no mood for school, everyday. So last Thrusday, 19/02/09, I was in my class. I'm okay with that teacher. His name is Mr Nasir. Then, my Math teacher, Mr Chan, walked in and interrupts Nasir's class and overtook it. I was shocked that Nasir lets him to do that! Chan was talking to the class of the exams are near and that we should prepare. And he goes on and on about the clever ones should be able to do it quick and easy. And that the stupid ones should prepare fully.

I got pissed. I looked at Nasir like, "how could you let him overtake your class?!". Nasir was like, "its okay, he's always like that". I am still shocked at the fact that he let Chan overtook him. Its just like when your'e using the phone, and then someone else snatch it away from you, and uses it. Then, Nasir said to the class about the date of the exams and such, and Chan said "shut up" to Nasir! What ... The ... Hell ?! Among all the teachers that I have, Nasir is one of my favourite teachers. I got mad that Chan said that to him.

So while Chan was talking to the class, I interrupted him and said, "how could you say that to him?" "Who are you to ask him to shut up?!"And Chan says, "no I was just saying about the exams, I don't want anyone to interrupt!" I'm like, "The only thing that you talk about from just now is that only the clever ones will be able to finish it quick and easy, and you're referring us as stupid?! You have no rights to label us tudents as stupid! You are in no position to do that!" And then he denies it and asked the rest of the students, "I didn't refer to you guys as stupid, Fazli really can't hear properly." I stood up, and asked my friends whether what I heard was true. My friends said that he did call us as stupid. So I raised my voiced at him and said, "Now don't you try to drag my friends to be in your side! You know you are wrong! And you can't lie! We students may sue you for labelling us as stupid. I have all my friends in this class as witnesses!"

Chan goes on and on about denying his statements. Then, my friend beside me got pissed with him also. He joined me and shouted at him and say the same thing as me, "You have absolutely no bloody right to say that!" And it goes all the way. Chan straight away walked out from the class. On my next class, my friends from the 2nd class told me that he cried on their class, right after mine.

Oh, my, god. I wasn't like this when I was young. What made me so valiant?

?

The worst day of anything is better than the best day of school

So I am back in college. The place where people learn to be young adults. Atleast that's how they describe it. Not a thing have changed since I've been there. Same old furnitures. Same old teachers. Same old scoldings. Same old food. Atleast jail food is different everyday! They said, they miss me and glad I'm back. Yeah, so I've heard. From my imaginary friend. Yup, they miss seeing me getting those dreadfully long lectures. I mean, everybody knows, they're just jealous! Cuz I've got the most attention. Duh!

Directfully from my next chapter in College. I am back to my usual class. And my usual seat. Until then that I could remember of how boring this is! I've set my mind, to mix with the right people this time. But just can't help it! Mixing around with them just makes life more interesting and fun in college. Rather than the usual people that the teachers like to teach. I mean, shoudln't learning be fun?! Okay, maybe not my kind of fun, but still. But now, as days come and go, I tries not to mix with my usual pals. I tried mixing with the good ones. But frankly to say, they're just not my type of friends. I don't like staying and most definitely studying in libraries. Plus, mixing around with them makes them think & feel that I am the bad guy. Poor me.

So now, I mix with no one. Friends with no one. Just a Hi & a Bye. Seriously, what great friendships! True enough. On the 1st day when I got back in college, people in my class gave me such arrogant looks on their faces. And when I asked, they said no. They weren't doing faces at me. I mean come on, I model and I learn facial expressions. Such pretends! Not that I give a damn of anyway, but atleast they should have the guts to tell me the truth. Urggh, wimps. Even the teachers are getting more fierce at me. Scolding me often. Lecture me often. I mean, to those people who knows me well, knows that the more I got scolded or shouted at, the more rebellious I will become! Not to mention EMO.

But I hope that it will all be good. Oh, and school sucks. =D

Forgive me my Father | For I have lost you

It is a beautiful Monday yesterday. And I was at home babysitting 3 kids of Azari's friend's. They're 3, 4 & 5 years old. So yeah, its tough. But I am enjoying every minute of it. I mean, I love kids! And they love me! They just told me that! So I felt good the whole day.

So since I had nothing to do, I asked the kids whether they want to go down to the park and play, and they were thrilled! And I was too, cause it so beautiful out there! As soon as I got off the front gate, I turned around and invited Azari along too. I don't know why I did that. Of course I knew, he would say no, but to my surprise, he said yes! I trembled myself from the elevator down to the park. I was nervous. Because I know, that when we're all down there, the kids are going to play with Alex. Azari and me will be sitting on a bench together!

So we finally reached the park and sat at "the bench". The kids ran off forgetting the world behind those patches of greenery. I sat there, on the bench, with Azari, dwelling on the awkward terrible feeling. Seriously, it really goes well with the beackround sounds, of crickets. Creek! Creek! And it goes on for a full hour and a half there.

Why didn't we say anything? I guess there is nothing to say. He don't care about me, and I certainly don't care less about him. But I miss Yusri, my real father. Fond misty memory of him and me streaks in my head. I could still remember the last time that we laughed so hard, that I peed on my trousers when I was 67 years old. How I miss him so much. But not a single loving words came out to me throughout my life. Why? Not a single "i love you". Why? Untill now, I'm living with Azari, my mum's 3rd husband! Untill I had my first punch to my face by Azari! Untill I rebelled and almost killed Nora's boyfriend with a knife out of sadness and anger! Untill I'm scarred on my right wrist and almost lost my life! Why?! It all ends up at you! Why'd you leave mum?! Why'd you leave me?! Why'd you leave our precious loving perfect family to drain?! WHY?!

You said to me once, that I was a good boy. And asked me why I'd change. That's funny. Because you were a good father too!

I look at people, with their Father, by their side. Smiling. Laughing. Hugging. A kiss with a father's touch. How fortunate of them. How they bonded, a father and son. Sometimes when I see you, you assume that I'm still a kid. You asked me once, to respect your 2nd wife. But behind closed doors, father, she's just as mean as Azari. Before you die dad, I will give her hell. She is no one to me. I'll rip her family apart just like how you ripped your own family before! I will stop that, once you say that you are sorry. And that you love me. And that you still love mum.

My rebellious self dwells deeper this time.

Here's a photo of Azari and me.



And this is for him.

So much hate. I like the feeling. So much anger. I smile as its growing. So much disgust for you. I feel sick at the sight of you. I really want you to leave. You son of a bitch. Listening to you bitching. Like I'm the one being an asshole. You are horrible. I wish you would die. I've thought of stabbing you with a knife. But for some strange reason. Unknown to me. My mum loves you. I'll never understand why. I won't kill you. Because she loves you. But when you die. I'm gonna have to laugh. And feel relieved. Because you will finally. Shut the hell up!

Mark, I love you

I am blessed with a friend so good to me. Who stood by me for 2 years. Lol, I could still remember the first time he called me on my mobile. I was so nervous that my mind's totally blank, my hands shake and sweat drips in my eyes - literally. The first time I hear his voice. The first time I hear him laugh. Sounds so soothing to the ears. The first time I saw him on the webcam. No words can describe how it feels.

He stood by me since I was very young. I didn't plan to love him. And then as the years go by ... I just cant live without knowing he's there. He's became a big part in my life!
In the year 20062007, I am in love with two other men called, Nemanja (Serbian) and Massimo (Italian). He know's that I love them, yet, he still stood by me. All the people come and go, and yet, he stayed there for me, sticking with me, loving me, and making me laugh when I can't even smile! It is the year 2009 now. And I feel that he might be the one. I am proud to say that I have found real "love".

I felt happy when he's happy and having fun. I even cried, literally when I know that he is scared, sad, alone in hard times. I burst to tears at the end of my rooftop, 12 storeys high, in the mist of rain, after he IM me saying that the plane that he's on to Florida suddenly dropped down fast from the high sky. At that very moment .. I am stoned, broken to pieces. I feel so numb to see this bitter end of disastrous illusions.

After he told me that he was okay, I felt better. But I can't help it bursting to tears when I think to myself, what if the plane really crashed and he's gone?! Or how'd I grow, before I said goodbye. My mind is clouded with suicidal thoughts. As I know, that he is true love, as Love can be. And I can never find it anywhere in anyone ever again. A piece of me will die with your last breathe, dearest.

How can I feel those feelings? Even when I haven't met him in real life? How does that feelings generate through me? The feelings are true. And so is my love towards him.
You take my breathe away, but I'll never taste your lips as fate keeps me locked away. I must close my eyes to see your face.

From the bottom of my heart, I love you, Mark

The cry of a gay

I once believed I had to change my sexual orientation. Because religion demanded it. I tried my very best to conform to their wishes for me to change. I struggled and prayed for god over 5 years for God to change me. I asked him to remove any "unclean" thing within me. I attended Mosques and prayed for my wish to be delivered. I tried to stay away fom my mental and physical self of my own.
But none of this worked.

Why didn't God answer my request?
Didn't God say, "Ask and you shall recieve?"
"Knock and it shall be opened to you, and seek and you shall find?"

I have everything in my power and called on God's power. Almighty God was silent and denied my requests! However, he did give me truth and wisdom which I also asked for.
He gave me signs in dream after dreams. He gave me a strong will sense deep inside my soul, mind and spirit, that he created me as I am, just like millions of others.

He gave me the wisdom to see through lies. He gave me dreams of signs that from the womb of my mother, I came forth as I am.

It is true it is a part of God's plan in our lives. He does not want us, to change our inborn natural desires. He wanted us to be what, how, or whoever he want us to be. And we can't change that. Just like If I prayed for God to change the color of my skin or eyes, would he?
I don't think so.

That's because he wanted us to have what he gave us. And wants us to accept ourselves. God would never grant our request to change our inner natural self. If he did, we can already say, that God screwed us up somwehere in the process of creation.

The religious community should be ashamed of themselves.

They have been at the root of all this pain and suffering experienced by those of us who tried to change, just like me.

You have fed us a lie and we beilieved you!

We tried so hard and it even drives us to think or even commit suicide! Because inside us, we knew the truth but you would not accept it! °I am really amazed at how blind and ignorant people can be, when they don't have to walk in our shoes!°

We are created differently, each and every one of us. We need to accept our sexuality as a gift from God. There is no need to change your natural self to something unnatural. Shall we demand heterosexual (straights) to change their orientation?

Imagine the feelings they would go through trying to do that! "When I fight against my true natural self, I can never be happy. When I surround myself by those who tell me that I don't have the right to be myself as I am, I will not be happy."

I can only be happy by being myself. By not living a lie. I won't pretend to be someone I am not. I will be me. Just like God wants me to.

There are untold millions of gay and lesbian people all around the world. They suffered just because the society won't accept them as they are. They suffered just because their Religion community failed to accept Gays as God would accept them. And Religion community brings out sayings and teachings as such gays is a sin etc.

Society, the world, people, would only want to see, what they want to see. We should not think why we are created as we are. God has His reasons. Ignore to others who despise you for being you! People give us advice to future mums of how ot get a baby boy, or a baby girl, and no different genders.

Think carefully. Who can give God advice in his creation process?

Shall we say to God, "Don't make me this way or that way?" Sexual orientations we do not choose, just like skin, eye, and hair colour, our height, our talents etc.

Humans do not choose same-sex attractions. God stills that in us from the start. We have to start with FACTS. "Some people are born with no attraction to the opposite sex."

And then we go from there to make conclusions of the truth! To conclude that many countless millions in the history of mankind were born this way. Natural same-sex attraction is fact. To those God has given it to, they know it.
I know it.

We conclude that what God has made should not be despised or disrespected. But we do need to question the false teachings we have been led to believe.

He is the God, shall we quarrel with him? Accept differences in creation.


Jeremiah 1:5 says: "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, And before you were born I consecrated you, I have appointed you a prophet to the nations."

Note: Three things God is doing:

1 - He creates Males and Females
2 - He joins them together
2 - And He also creates the persons which are born that way from their mother's womb.

"He that is able to accept it, let him accept it."

Many gay men and woman are treated like outsiders and foreigners, rejected by their own religion leaders. So, who is in the wrong here?
You tell me.

But to whoever is reading this,

Please don't have misthoughts of your Religion teachers or community. They misunderstood their own teachings. Yet, and they should not be blamed. My one and all wish, is that I could read, and understand the Qur'an. For there are all of the answers in the universe explained in there.

AMIN

PS. I am not mad at my best friends.
Just extremely frustrated.